


weep with those who weep

by kisahawklin



Series: Supernatural Season 15 Tagathon [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Gen, Goodbyes, Grief/Mourning, Hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 20:15:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21167231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kisahawklin/pseuds/kisahawklin
Summary: Sam and Cas comfort each other and say good-bye.





	weep with those who weep

**Author's Note:**

> Dean is pretty broken. That was a pathetic attempt at comforting Sam and what the hell was the thing with Cas. Basically all I wanted after this episode (besides a good cry) was a) someone actually comforting Sam about Rowena, b) someone comforting Cas about Dean, and c) Sam being able to say good-bye to Cas.

It's the stillness, Sam thinks. 

If he sits still enough, the thoughts stop. He's just existing. Breathing. The hurt is distant. 

Maybe it's also the silence, he thinks, as Dean's boots on the bunker floor bring him out of his trance.

He tries to skip over Dean's worry. He knows it'll tip Dean off but he can't… he just can't talk to Dean about this. Dean would understand. Dean's held the weight of the world on his shoulders. Dean's made the hard decisions. 

Dean doesn't have any words of comfort left, though. His best move is telling Sam he didn't have a choice, which in the first place is a damn lie and in the second isn't any comfort.

To be this hurt over a witch. He can't help a sad smile, knowing Rowena would be glad he's had a change of heart nearly as big as hers. What a life he's led that demons and witches are among his strongest allies. 

He sits on his bed, back bowed, letting the thoughts come, and the tears with them. He's so tired. He's so angry at always having to be the one. Even when he wants to do the right thing, his friends force him to do the wrong one. He doesn't even feel evil anymore, he just feels _empty_.

There's a sound in the bunker that shakes him out of his self-pity. Loud voices, Dean and Cas.

Something's been off between them for a while, but Sam's been too preoccupied to worry about it. He doesn't like to get between them when they're like this because Dean expects him to take his side and he hates to make Cas feel any worse.

He hears the door of the bunker close and suddenly the weight of his grief is lifted off him as fear wells up, a fountain of adrenaline that fuels him, pushing him at a barefoot run to the garage.

He chooses the motorcycle. It's not a great ride with bare feet, but it's quieter than the Impala, and since he will eventually have to explain himself to Dean, he doesn't want to add kidnapping Baby to the list of his sins.

He doesn't see Cas anywhere outside the bunker, which means he took his truck. There's only one place he would go if he decided home wasn't with the Winchesters anymore. He turns left out of the driveway and speeds toward the little park, hoping he's not too late.

~~~

"Cas!" he yells as he pulls up, praying that Cas doesn't make him run all the way to the sandbox. "Wait!"

Cas stops, and Sam knows he's debating whether or not he wants to turn around. He's made up his mind to go back to Heaven, to try and do what he can there because…

Well, because he doesn't feel like one of them anymore. And that's Dean's doing, Sam knows. He's always forgiven the sins of the dead, so Jack is now pristine in Dean's memory, but that means he's got to blame someone for Mary's death. 

Cas finally turns around as Sam is trying to negotiate the kickstand with bare feet. He's still sensitive about them, ever since…

"Sam," Cas says, his voice an admonishment. He's striding toward Sam with purpose, like he's planning to miracle Sam some shoes or something. 

"Leave it," Sam says, putting his hands up to halt Cas's onslaught. "I'll be fine. I'll take a long shower to warm up when I get home."

Cas stops, nodding. He's clearly sad. Heartbroken, maybe, which is not something Cas would've ever been not that long ago. He knows Dean thinks a more human Cas is a better Cas, but Sam has his doubts. Sure of himself, unbreakable warrior Cas had his charms.

Sam takes the last two steps and throws his arms around Cas. He knows things are rough for all of them, but he still loves Cas and he needs someone to not be so distant right now. Dean feels very far away.

Cas hugs him back, clinging a little, like he does. Sam loves that, and gives Cas an extra squeeze. 

"Back to Heaven, huh?"

Cas looks down, unable to meet Sam's eyes. "I seem to have done enough damage down here."

Sam's heart breaks a little to see the loneliness in Cas's eyes. "No, Cas," he starts, but Cas just shakes his head. 

"Don't," Cas says. "You know I can't stay."

"Dean isn't the only one who gets a say."

Cas smiles at Sam, sad but warm. "No, but you're outvoted two to one, Sam. I can't bear to have Dean look at me with all that hatred and blame. I never could."

"Do I have to lose everyone?" Sam asks, the fucking tears coming again. They'd finally dried up in his room, but he knew they were just lying in wait. "Rowena, Ketch, you…" 

"I'm sorry, Sam," Cas says, reaching out to rest a hand on Sam's arm. "I didn't say. I'm so sorry about Rowena. And I didn't know about Ketch."

Sam nods. He hadn't known either. "Thanks. I'm sorry about Jack." He and Cas never got to talk about it. Dean won't talk about it. Sam just wants someone to commiserate with.

"Me too," Cas says. He crumples, sitting heavily on the dead leaves littering the playground. Sam sits too, pressing his side into Cas. The angel's grace makes him warm and Sam isn't too proud to take advantage. "I was so certain he was destined for greatness. The things I saw when Kelly was pregnant with him, Sam…"

"He _was_ great," Sam says. "Just because his life wasn't easy and he wasn't perfect doesn't mean he wasn't great."

"Mmm," Cas concedes, though Sam knows that wasn't the point he was trying to make. It's just not fair to Jack to put all that on him. He did the best he could. Maybe if he'd had less fucked up role models, he'd have had a chance at the real change he wanted to make. 

"Please don't go, Cas," Sam says, trying one last ditch effort. He'd give Cas the puppy dog eyes but they're full of tears right now, and he doesn't think he's up to it. 

"Dean can't even look at me, Sam." Cas takes Sam's hand, clasping it between both of his. "I know it's not fair to you, but you can't ask me to live with that kind of silent malice."

Sam nods. He's been on the receiving end of Dean's judgment. It's a long road back, and one he's only ever walked because there isn't another option. Heaven isn't waiting for _him_ to come back. "He still loves you, Cas. He's just in a bad place. You know how he gets."

It takes a moment, but Cas agrees, finally. "I know. And I love him too. But it's easier on him if I'm not there. Distance has always helped Dean see more clearly." He turns to look at Sam. "Just one more way you and Dean are different."

Sam smiles, more real this time, less sorrow. He takes a deep breath. Talking to Cas has gotten rid of some of his melancholy. He gets up, wiping the back of his jeans. "I can still pray to you."

"I'd like it if you would," Cas says, accepting the hand Sam holds out to help him up. "I'd like to know how you're doing."

"Yeah," Sam says, pulling Cas in for another hug. "And let me know when you find Jack up there. Tell him we miss him."

"I will."

Sam stands watch as Cas powers up the portal and steps in, and when he heads back to the bunker, shivering and teeth chattering, he feels better. Not good, not by a long shot, but better.

~~~


End file.
